Chasing my dreams

This year was off to a rough start, I lost a lot of things that I treasured dearly, a mother, the life I had grown to know so well, it was my cushion my comfort zone. But something in my heart told me I needed to go, so I left, all I knew all I loved behind. I moved to Indiana a place I could start anew. I was resented by my mom for leaving, she felt I was selfish and for the first two months of living here I blamed myself everyday, I felt it was on me to be her crutch still even while she was in jail, I felt obligated to stay in a city that held nothing for me, where all I was doing was running in circles looking for the girl I had lost long ago. Along my path of trying to start over, I was living with my closest friend Samantha things were good but sadly all good things do come to an end eventually, and we had a fight that I assume costed us our friendship..and as sad as it was to leave I felt I needed to go in order to get my life straight. Two months I was depressed trying to smile, I wasn't doing anything with my life, I was waiting for what I don't know because I knew in my mind that life wasn't going to present opportunities to me I had to go out and get them. After our fight I decided to ask my Uncle and Aunt if I could stay with them and they said I could so I moved in with them. I knew it was the best thing for me and it was exactly what I needed because I knew they would give me that extra push that I needed to go and get what I want. To set my plan into action. I may of done a lot of things wrong in my life, made more than enough mistakes but I've gotta say one thing if it weren't for the mistakes I made along the way I wouldn't be where I'm standing now. Things are looking up, and I've got my head straight and I'm not looking back but looking forward to what is ahead of me. I'm not waiting for life I'm going after what I want. Sure there will be roadblocks and bad days, but I'll keep my head held high I know that I can do this, and I know I have people who believe in me and support me in what I do. I remember on new years saying this was MY year to shine and at the beginning of it I really felt like I was wrong and the gut feeling I had wasn't true but I had to take the bad to get to the good. So here I go head first into the waters of the unknown becoming the adult I need to be, to stand on my own two feet. <3 

Praise you in the storm

So I arrived in Indiana, on tuesday night safe and sound. All has been great here, living with my best friend Samantha and her Fiance and his best friend Nate. Honestly I couldn't ask for life to be any better than it is right now. Things feel like they have fallen right into place and I am finally where I belong.  Since I've been here I really wasn't thinking much of everything I left behind in vegas, or my mom; I was just adapting to my new environment and enjoying being away from Vegas. But this morning.. I woke up quite early and I couldn't get thoughts out of my mind about my mom, so just recently I decided to look online at her records and everything still is the same no changes. I feel bad..because I'm sure she is lonely, and sad..I can't imagine her pain and sadness. How it must feel to be all alone everyday..and night. No familiar sound to comfort you and make you feel better. I know I did the right thing walking away from Vegas but It is hard not being able to at least talk to her and give her guidance and love.. I know she knows I love her, and that I am here no matter what but I know she thinks I abandoned her. I pray every day and night that she will make it through this a changed woman..there is only so much I can do for her it's time for her to take care of herself but I want to save her.. but I can't save her.. only god can. 

I hope to be able to talk to her soon, let her know I am still here with her every step of the way, and that god is watching over her and none has left her. On a brighter note my best friend is getting married in July and asked me to be her maid of honor, i'm extremely honored and happy for her. We've said since we first met 5 years ago that we'd be there at each others wedding and be maid of honors and it's happy. 5 years and still going, our friendship just keeps building stronger and stronger. I love her. <3 
I can't wait for what this year brings, I know it'll be a great year, of great things. 

A new chapter

So I'm leaving Las Vegas and going back to Indiana..you know honestly..it's exciting to be able to get away from this maddness. But when reality sets in I really will miss my friends here, my church and the life i've grown to know. But I know this is what is BEST for me. Hard to say goodbye but exciting to be able to start over. I always have loved fresh starts. One thing I feel I must say before I go, onto my new journey in life. Is thank you to Melissa...and her dad for being there for me when my world crashed down on me. Melissa, you are a great friend, and no matter what you will stay in my heart near or far. I love you, and appreciate all you've done for me, I cannot say it enough how thankful I am for you and your dad taking me in when I had nowhere left to go. And I'm sorry for hurting you.
And to all the others thank you as well. I am onto making a life for myself finally life has given me a reason to push on. Mom, when you get out and a chance to read this. Know I love you VERY VERY much and I always will..I haven't left you..I promise I am still here near or far we are together. Look to the skys you will see me shining a light upon you leading you home to where you belong. I believe in you, I miss you and I know you can take this time of your life to better yourself..just have faith and believe. Noone has abandonded you, you are NOT alone.. your my world..I love you soo very much and I miss you so much and I'm sorry that I left without a goodbye but please understand my reasons. Find the strenght within you to be a better person don't fall back to old ways. Not all is lost. This is a new beginning for you and for me.
As for me.. I am onto making a life for me..this year I truly believe is my year. I have set goals in mind and they all seem to becoming in order, I will get my GED and a job, and onto my own two feet. I will find true happiness and love within myself. I am not going to fail myself not anymore. This is my life, I am taking control.
My new chapter is about to begin...

Stuck In Reverse

Life is about choices, and every choice you make has a consequence. I chose to walk down the roads I've been on, and no they didn't lead me to the right places..but I learned something along the way. I'm always one step forward 3 backwards..running in constant circles searching for things I cannot find, and I can't find them because I'm looking in all the wrong places. This is not my home, this is not my destiny, the answers to my life aren't on these roads. I think I knew it all along honestly,  but I was in denial about it..I liked the freedom, the access to everything, the ability to do what I want when I want. But that will get me nowhere and I know that...and have the power to admit it. I have nothing left to lose, but everything to gain. I'm at my rock bottom, and they say once your at the bottom theres no where left to go but up, and I think I've found the light, a way to get out of the dark, to find what I've been searching for all these years, to build myself up to greater things. I have one goal in mind right now, I've been standing at this fork in the road wondering what direction I should go, and I know exactly which way I am going. I"m not continuing down this path anymore, I'm walking away and never looking back. This place has nothing to offer me, and has taken everything I loved from me. No more hiding, the truth is I haven't been happy for a really long time, I have put others first and taken care of them and not taken care of myself. Now I have the chance to make myself happy and put myself first and focus on my life and my future and I am going to do that. The first step is always the hardest...

Find myself at your door, like many times before.

Well a lot has happen since I last wrote in this blog..and I felt the urge to write and let my thoughts free. So here is whats new in my life since I wrote in September. I had started working for my friend Bill's studio and things were going okay, but I could feel life slowly turning upside down waiting to erupt in my face. I eventually ended up moving out of my moms house for about 2 weeks or a month maybe, into this girl Alex's house and when I moved with her we were becoming good friends and I had no idea that she was living a separate life. Things were going pretty good at first, then I found out she was doing heroin etc and other things, and of course I didn't do anything like that infact I ended up actually getting very deathly ill because they always smoked inside the house and I was getting second hand smoke and didn't realize it and started just feeling so sick, and going through crazy withdraws and didn't know why. After I realized why I was getting sick I decided to contact my friend Bill told him I wanted to get out of the house etc it wasn't a good environment and also because me and Alex began having problems for reasons that are still unknown. So I went and stayed at Bill's place for the night and then I told him I don't want to go back there and so I went to Alex's to get my things and she ended up beating me up because I wanted my stuff back. Then I moved back in with my mom couple days later. Things were okay, but still I wasn't happy. I felt like I was in the shadows doing just enough to get by but never satisfied. Life stayed in the same place for the next few months then as the new year came closer, things got worse. My mother went to Jail in December and I took over her job at the studio working the front desk managing stuff, I was thrown into a situation I had no idea how to handle. I mean I knew how to deal with my mom going to Jail she's been there many times before in the past years. It honestly felt like deja vu because she was in Jail last year around my birthday and my ex Dj and I were living together and keeping the bills paid etc. But this time she went it was much worse...she really has done herself up good this time. She has a total of 21 felony charges pending against her, and will be in for quite some time according to people I've spoken to. Anywho! about a month later of her going to jail and me becoming actually quite happy and independent my house got broken into and I decided I didn't feel safe there anymore so I moved in with Bill (who if anyone is wondering is my moms bf) or whatever. Then stuff happen and people started lying about me etc and Bill was going to fire me for false accusations made against me. So I am now living with my friend Melissa hah, while he has my clothes and stuff still and my cat and isn't returning them to me. And I'm trying to find a job and get on my own two feet. Even though this year hasn't started off that great, I believe it will be a good year for me its just the beginning, not the end just a new chapter of my life. Realizing who is real and not, and keeping my head up high believing in greater things. Fighting for what I deserve in life, and what I believe should be rightfully mine. I haven't spoken to my mom in some weeks and I don't care to, she is no longer my problem and I've wiped my hands clean of her. I've taken care and sacrificed my entire life for her and got nothing, no appreciation or respect. Used and taken for granted. So I'm doing me now, and following my dreams. I will strive and achieve them because I am determined. I'm on the road to greatness.
The Beginning of a new chapter
Love Caity<3

Unpredictable, Unexpected, But so magnificent

In the windy stormy night,
A breathtaking lady gazing upon the stars,
the night gleaming unlike all others before,
fixed her eyes upon a shooting star,
as it shot across the twilight she wished for a man,
not any man though,
A man of such great honor, a knight,
To rescue her from the madness the world has shown her
As the next day arose,
A man of such things she had wished upon crossed her path,
Sudden yet so magnificent he was all she ever dreamt for,
A dark knight to save her from all her sorrows,
The connection so undeniable, hard to not believe she had found whom she had been wishing for,
Words he whispered that touch her heart, a spark that lit like a wildfire,
So enchanting she was left breathless,
Without hesitation she opened herself up this knight she had found,
His voice as sweet as a melody, sending chills upon her skin,
Kindness she’d never found before,
His unique mind ever so beautiful,
So noble and trustworthy, no doubt entered her mind,
She had found the half of herself that had been missing for quite some time,
Without question she knew she’d found her soul mate,
Though haunting shadows may follow her,
His light shines upon her, darkness had lost her beautiful soul,
Only sun rays embrace her skin and lighten her heart,
Opening up herself up to ways she’d feared,
Ready to conquer all that comes her way now that she has his steady arms to hold her through the night,
Finally she believes in fate,  love appearing so quickly her heart warms simply by the thought of his name,
Ready to venture out into the world side by side with her ever so handsome dark knight,
Leading her to a life of happiness and a place to call home…
Forever the one who has stolen her heart<3
 

Safe and Sound

Living and breathing..still!! I really don't know where to begin with life so I guess I'll just write(:
I sit everyday inside my own mind, my strange yet unique complex mind thinking of all the things I want to accomplish in life, thinking of how I wish those who are hurting could find peace and happiness..like I have. I have my good and bad days, my up and downs...but truly at the end of the day I am content and happy because I believe that there are great things ahead. I want to allow people to understand me....because I know most don't, they see me this sweet kind hearted loving girl...think I shine and tell me I light up rooms with just even the slightest smile on my face. But what they do not know is deep down inside me there is a girl wanting to escape from where I've been, here running in circles one step forward and three steps backwards always, there is a girl who has witnessed pain and sorrow, heart ache, things I never wish to see others go through...I wake up everyday trying to be better than I was yesterday. I want so badly to reach out and make my dreams become reality but it is so hard to do so when I am stuck in a place where I have been so deeply hurt..I sometimes wish I could let go of everything and fall into the arms of my savior my god and ask him to just let me sit up in heaven with him safe and sound.. But I know I cannot do that. Because he saved me for a reason, and although somedays I wish he hadn't I know I have a great purpose in this life of mine, I am meant for something. And although I may just be another girl to some, to someone very special in my life I am actually something more...I've met someone who sees me for me, who understands me, and although I just met him, I strongly believe he is who god himself made just for me, were so alike on so many levels it simply amazes me, when I stopped and turned away from love, I met him and I believe again that just maybe it's possible that I can have true happiness in life, and a love that won't fail or lie to me or hurt me.. a love just a great as gods love for me. Don't doubt for a moment love, that I am doubting us...I cannot count all the ways that you have opened my eyes and heart to seeing things and believing in something I've longed to have for such a long time, a person to understand me, and love me for all I am and will be, your the one my soul has been searching for.

Well...with all this said I'm going to take a break from writing (:
You're all beautiful in your own unique way, stay that way...change for no one.
Love Caity Joan<3